I'm not living in a Normal-Okay-Land. I want to go buy some cigarettes, haven't had any since the two I had Friday, but that's my reaction to overwhelming situations. I want to go buy some stronger alcohol than the beer I have in the fridge. I want to call someone, but I don't know who, and it's getting late. There are a few people I'd really like to talk to, but they're not available to me anymore.

Dad's in the hospital. Mom just called. He's in bad shape. I don't know how much detail I should get into here, but let's say he wasn't found at my Mom's house. He was found at his girlfriend's house. Not that this was a surprise, it was something only half-denied until now. But now, there are descriptions of the condition of the place, and a description of his condition. He's in bad shape. His hair has gone white, he's gaining weight, his heart is in trouble, and his head is a dangerous mess.

I'm taking tomorrow off work to go see my Mom. She didn't want to ask, but I offered. It was especially hard, given that she was leaving the door open to me to be protected and continue to avoid the whole mess. But she needs me. I'm terrified, because we're probably going to go seem him. I haven't seen him in probably a year, maybe more. I don't even know what he looks like now, and I'm sure I'm going to be very shaken. I don't even know what to say to him. I'm pissed, I'm scared, I'm ashamed, and I'm so very sad. And so afraid of how much I might ever take after him.

I don't know.