Ow.
Man, I'm getting myself all messed up. Calling today about this kidney thing that's still bugging me, see if I can get an urgent-yet-not-emergency visit with a doctor somewhere. I haven't seen a doctor in at least 3 or 4 years, not even for a checkup. I have one scheduled for the 25th of this month (day after my birthday, whee), but the two fists grinding into my back aren't going away and I probably shouldn't wait until the end of the month.

This and other random aches and pains are really screwing with me. My uncle died about 2 years ago (was it longer?) from colon cancer. He was, in some ways, more a father and idol to me than my actual father. Seeing his decline, and then finally seeing him emaciated on his deathbed one day before he passed away... I think it fucked me up much more than I'll ever know. Because now, I keep thinking that I'm headed for that. These pains and aches keep summoning up thoughts like "My body is riddled with cancer inside," and "My spine is being eaten away." Because that's what happened to him. The cancer spread, got his organs one by one, and as a nice twist of the knife, ate his spinal column near his lower back so that he lost use of his legs in his last 2 months.

I know these thoughts are probably just a twisted way I'm still reacting to his death, but I can't push them away. And what scares me more is that, if I can't push them away or erase them, they'll come true.